Chronicles of Marnia

My new friend Peter Pollock hosted a Blog Carnival earlier this month. His topic was obedience. I didn't participate because I was really busy at work, had a sick child, and well, because I'm a slacker at managing my time when I'm overhwhelmed like I was at the time. But I digress.

Today, my other new friend, Bridget Chumbley is hosting a Blog Carnival. Her topic is Trust. And I'm participating! Shocking, I know.

If you'd like to be a part of this carnival or just read what others wrote about Trust, come on over to Bridget's blog and be a part of what we're doing.

Trust...

"It's a large and aggresive tumor. I'm sorry to tell you this, but children rarely survive this type of cancer. She won't survive another two years".

The doctor said that to my husband and I as she came into the consult room to give us an update on our 3 year old daughter's surgery. Earlier that morning, Peyton's CT scans showed a large mass on her right kidney. Surgery was immediately scheduled to remove the kidney and tumor and send them off for biopsy.

And in the moment of hearing the doctor's terrifying words, I thought, "This is it. My daughter is going to die and we are going to be destroyed".

The doctor kept talking about the surgery, the recovery, the stitches needed to sew Peyton back up after she was essentially cut in half, but I wasn't listening. I was praying. I asked God to not let Peyton suffer for the two years we had left. I asked God to not let this ruin our other daughter's life. I asked God to keep our marriage intact since many marriages wouldn't survive the death of a child...

Then, I was in a bubble of silence. There is really no other word to describe it, although over the last 5 years, I've tried to. I found myself unable to hear Lindsay and Dane's anguished cries and the doctor's monotone voice as she leveled our family with the news. Instead, I heard "Do not be afraid Marni. I will use this for My glory". I had never before (and haven't since) heard the audible voice of Jesus, but that day, I know I did. He told me not to be afraid. I decided in that instant to trust His words. He didn't tell me He would spare Peyton's life, but I still chose to trust. And peace that surpasses all understanding flooded into every crevice of my soul and body.

The next 5 years weren't without temporary bouts of fear. We dealt with high fevers, infection, severe weight loss and two very scary scans showing suspicious spots. But I trusted. I chose to set aside the fear and wait for God to carry out His plan and prepared myself to be an entrance for His glory.

Five years later, Peyton is still with us, still cancer free. To Him be the Glory!

* 15 months after hearing God's words, I was driving in a torrential storm on a busy Interstate. I turned on a local Christian radio station to calm my nerves as I prayed. A Casting Crowns song came on I'd never heard before. They sang, "the voice of Truth tells me a different story, the voice of Truth says 'do not be afraid', the voice of Truth says 'this is for My glory'". I cried and cried as I thanked God for His words that day I needed Him more than I ever had. I thanked Him for his affirmation, that although I didn't know what His plan was for Peyton, I should trust Him and never be afraid.

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