Chronicles of Marnia

Nineteen years ago today, I married my best friend and the true love of my life. Last night, we stayed up until midnight just so we could officially kick off our anniversary together. We bundled up under our down comforter, held hands and giggled, reminisced, and got misty-eyed as we inventoried those last 19 years. We recounted how we were a full 10 years into the marriage before we asked God to be the center of it and we prayerfully thanked Him for patiently waiting on us to invite Him in. We remembered the births of both our girls and what it felt like to welcome them into the love of our marriage as we became a family. We bemoaned the fact that our physiques were certainly not what they were when we met, dated and married. But mostly, we just laughed. God has given us a lot to laugh about in our nearly two-decade union. At 12:36 am, I could barely keep my eyes open anymore. As I drifted off to sleep, he whispered, "I'd do it all again. I love you". Happy anniversary Dane. I'd do it all again too. I love you.

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Today I'm participating in Peter's Blog Carnival. His topic is grief. Stop by and read our perspectives.

Those of you who know me or have read my blog enough know that God allowed me to walk through a profoundly painful season that began almost 5 years ago. A little boy we loved like our own, succumbed to Neuroblastoma (cancer of the central nervous system) on January 4, 2005. I sat with Griffin his last days in the hospital as the tumors in his 6 year old body caused him to swell, lose his eyesight and cause bone pain I can't fathom. We talked about Heaven. We talked about Jesus. We talked about how he wouldn't be sick anymore. We talked about the reunion we'd have one day. He closed his eyes and stepped into the arms of a savior he'd just met days before. I grieved. Hard. I watched his death wreck his parents and his little brother. I watched it spiral my four year old daughter into confusion about why God let children die. And I tried, on the outside, to pretend I was okay, because Christians are called to have hope in grief. I thought that meant have a smile on my face and appear to be unfazed...

Ten very short months later, I had Courtney's hand as she stepped into eternity. And I loved her as if she were my own as well. She put up a brave and faith-filled fight against ovarian cancer for 4 years. And she praised God throughout all of it. She was a daughter and best friend rolled into one. Her death left a hole in me that I swore would never go away. Losing her, and losing her so close to Griffin was more than I could take. I stopped getting out of bed. I stopped smiling. I was a shell of what I had been.

I could find no comfort for my grief. My husband, my children, my church, my friends. I tried all of it. Nothing worked. I clung to God throughout all of the pain, but only in the sense of begging Him to take it. For months, I wasn't willing to let Him walk me through it. Then one day God spoke this to my heart..."though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him" Job 13:15. I made a turning point that day. It wasn't as if the grief vanished, but suddenly I understood that this was something I simply had to go through...not endure...but actually wrestle through with God.

So many days, I was like Jacob as he wrestled with the angel. I would struggle and argue with God, but I refused to let go until the blessing came. And I still have the limp from that season--always will--but I overcame. God showed me that as His child, I don't have to pretend everything is okay, when it isn't. Grief is painful and messy. He doesn't call me to smile and pretend I'm fine, when inside I was in pain. I could have hope, but still cry and mourn. In the year it took me to re-enter my life after Griffy and Court, I learned how much Jesus loves me. I learned how much I love Him. I learned He will kick down mountains to get to me when I call Him, and when I can't even will myself to call Him, He'll scoop me up and hold me until I can. I learned that my God is faithful and my God will make all things new and my God will neverforsake me.

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