Chronicles of Marnia

My husband pointed out to me the other day, this decade is about to be over. That had not at all occurred to me...shocking, I know.

So I've been pondering this decade. It was by far, the longest, most painful, blessed, amazing decade I've ever had.

2000: I had my second daughter. We tried for 5 years to have her. We gave up thinking we were just meant to have Lindsay. Right before New Year's 2000, we found out Peyton was on her way.

2001: I got my dream job.

2002: Got promoted to a dream job I'd never dreamed of

2003: Cancer came after Peyton.

2004: Peyton began chemo on January 1st. She began radiation a few days later. Her treatment would last most of this year. Lindsay becomes a teenager (which I secretly wondered if that would be as scary as cancer) ;-)

2005: Peyton's sweet little friend Griffin (we met him in treatment) steps out of a world of Neuroblastoma, needles, meds, blood draws and pain into the arms of Jesus. The last few days of his 6 years on earth, all he wanted to do is snuggle up in his hospital bed while I read him Bible stories and told him about Jesus and Heaven. It is here I began to see some of God's plan for why Peyton had to be sick.

At the end of 2005, Courtney (another treatment friend and a young woman I loved as my own daughter) was called from 4 years of failed treatments and pain into God's glory. I held her hand as she died. And I thought I'd never be functional again...

Our beloved church splits. It's insult to massive injury.

2006: Peyton is in full remission and begins kindergarten. Lindsay begins high school. I decide I can't sit at home all day and cry, so I decide to go back to work. All the while, I'm hollow inside. I feel like God has abandoned me and I don't know where to go with that. This year, I become like Jacob and the angel in the desert. I struggle, scream, cry and demand answers from God on a minutely basis it seems. He patiently let's me be angry and distant from Him. Late that year, He moves. To say God scraped me off the pavement and began to rebuild me is an understatement. It is then, God and I went 3-D (thanks Jon! Your check is in the mail) Healing begins and I fall so in love with my Savior.

Courtney's sister Britney suggests the best way to heal our pain is to find others in pain and serve them. I agree. Our homeless ministry is born. Our families (and as time goes on, friends and friends of friends) hit the streets of Dallas each week to bring supplies, food and Bibles to the homeless. But more importantly, we just hang out and visit. The conversations and friendships are unparalled. God and I go 3-D again when I realize God has called us all to missions, and it doesn't have to be a church-organized thing.

2007: We've been visiting churches, but nothing fits. We commit the search to God in dedicated prayer. The last few years of toil and stress have begun to take a toll on my family. We all agree that what we've been through can take families down. We convenant to be on our guard against the enemy trying to take down our family. Christian counseling and some tough conversations ensue, but it's part of the healing.

2008: We return to our old church. But you can't go home again, when the home doesn't exist. It's another painful season. Probably in part due to the "dedicated prayer" for finding a church has morphed into "dedicated whining" about not having one yet ;-) But God is faithful and we know that.

Oh yeah, and I also find a blogging community . I begin to wonder, "how did I ever make it through life without these wacko's?"

Also? Realized there was such a thing as "medical bankruptcy". That would have been handy to know sooner, but all in all, I'm glad we didn't do it. God provided for us in some really creative and loving ways as we dealt with all the bills insurance wouldn't cover.

Dane gets his dream job as a recruiter/background investigator at the police department. He's happy. He's off the streets and no one is shooting at him. I'm very happy.

My baby-sister get's married :-) I perform the ceremony. Yes, I'm ordained as a Chaplain. Yes, I'm a baptist female. I'm a rebel, I tell ya. I'm grateful to get to be a part of the covenant Greg and Stephanie make to each other and to God. Would I ever have worked towards ordination and chaplaincy had cancer not been allowed in our life? Nope, probably not. God's plans amaze me, even when I don't understand them.

2009: Lindsay graduates from high school and goes off the college in the fall. We celebrate by buying her a shiny, red car. ($40,000 in hospital bills, be damned, we're celebrating a child who didn't lose her mind when life started to suck. A car was the least we could do for her) I'm in a weird place for a while. Can it be that I've successfully raised a young person who is ready to leave the nest? Did I teach her/show her all she needs to know? I stay out of her room alot when she's away. It triggers tears and I'm tired of crying. Besides, we have unlimited texting, so I can talk to her alot. And she let's me :-) Peyton is a fourth grader. Chemo and radiation took it's toll on the little developing 3 year old mind from her treatment days. She's showing some memory function issues and attention issues. Nothing tutoring and counseling can't handle for now. And if that's all that comes at us as the result of harsh chemo and radiation, we'll so take it.

Ahhh...September. God kicks down a wall for us and we find our new home church. The pieces just fall into place. Sunday's are a blessing again. We are serving in a church again. Our home group ROCKS. God, once again, shows his faithfulness and love.

How was your decade?

I'm participating in Bridget's Blog Carnival again. The topic is Love.

I meant to participate in the "Church" carnival blog. That whole good intentions thing is me in a nutshell. You've been warned. Anyhoo, since I missed that, I'm combining. I love lots and lots of things. But today, I'm talking about my love for my new church. It's awesome. It's an answer to prayer. It's home. To say we are happy, thriving, encouraged and challenged is an understatement.

We survived (barely) a church split almost 5 years ago. We've floundered since. But in September, God moved and led us to where we are. We've landed in a remarkable Home Group as well. I can't wait to see how God uses us to serve Him through this new church home. Those of you who helped pray us to Stonegate (and you know who you are), thank you so much for your intervening.

Love,

m

It has sucked to be me lately. Not entirely, mind you. But in some pretty profound areas of my life. Those of you close to me know why, so I won't get into it here.

Don't you love how God always sends a lifeline when we're sinking fast? For me, it's been some scripture in Job and Psalms. And this song. I'd forgotten about it frankly, but we sang it in church a while back, and I've been clinging to God's promises in it until this storm passes. I've not asked God to take the storm, but just to hang out in the life raft with me until it does.

I hope this song encourages you as much as it has me.

Nineteen years ago today, I married my best friend and the true love of my life. Last night, we stayed up until midnight just so we could officially kick off our anniversary together. We bundled up under our down comforter, held hands and giggled, reminisced, and got misty-eyed as we inventoried those last 19 years. We recounted how we were a full 10 years into the marriage before we asked God to be the center of it and we prayerfully thanked Him for patiently waiting on us to invite Him in. We remembered the births of both our girls and what it felt like to welcome them into the love of our marriage as we became a family. We bemoaned the fact that our physiques were certainly not what they were when we met, dated and married. But mostly, we just laughed. God has given us a lot to laugh about in our nearly two-decade union. At 12:36 am, I could barely keep my eyes open anymore. As I drifted off to sleep, he whispered, "I'd do it all again. I love you". Happy anniversary Dane. I'd do it all again too. I love you.

Today I'm participating in Peter's Blog Carnival. His topic is grief. Stop by and read our perspectives.

Those of you who know me or have read my blog enough know that God allowed me to walk through a profoundly painful season that began almost 5 years ago. A little boy we loved like our own, succumbed to Neuroblastoma (cancer of the central nervous system) on January 4, 2005. I sat with Griffin his last days in the hospital as the tumors in his 6 year old body caused him to swell, lose his eyesight and cause bone pain I can't fathom. We talked about Heaven. We talked about Jesus. We talked about how he wouldn't be sick anymore. We talked about the reunion we'd have one day. He closed his eyes and stepped into the arms of a savior he'd just met days before. I grieved. Hard. I watched his death wreck his parents and his little brother. I watched it spiral my four year old daughter into confusion about why God let children die. And I tried, on the outside, to pretend I was okay, because Christians are called to have hope in grief. I thought that meant have a smile on my face and appear to be unfazed...

Ten very short months later, I had Courtney's hand as she stepped into eternity. And I loved her as if she were my own as well. She put up a brave and faith-filled fight against ovarian cancer for 4 years. And she praised God throughout all of it. She was a daughter and best friend rolled into one. Her death left a hole in me that I swore would never go away. Losing her, and losing her so close to Griffin was more than I could take. I stopped getting out of bed. I stopped smiling. I was a shell of what I had been.

I could find no comfort for my grief. My husband, my children, my church, my friends. I tried all of it. Nothing worked. I clung to God throughout all of the pain, but only in the sense of begging Him to take it. For months, I wasn't willing to let Him walk me through it. Then one day God spoke this to my heart..."though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him" Job 13:15. I made a turning point that day. It wasn't as if the grief vanished, but suddenly I understood that this was something I simply had to go through...not endure...but actually wrestle through with God.

So many days, I was like Jacob as he wrestled with the angel. I would struggle and argue with God, but I refused to let go until the blessing came. And I still have the limp from that season--always will--but I overcame. God showed me that as His child, I don't have to pretend everything is okay, when it isn't. Grief is painful and messy. He doesn't call me to smile and pretend I'm fine, when inside I was in pain. I could have hope, but still cry and mourn. In the year it took me to re-enter my life after Griffy and Court, I learned how much Jesus loves me. I learned how much I love Him. I learned He will kick down mountains to get to me when I call Him, and when I can't even will myself to call Him, He'll scoop me up and hold me until I can. I learned that my God is faithful and my God will make all things new and my God will neverforsake me.